The baby’s armed. No seriously, he is.

There are whole organizations dedicated to eradicating toy guns from the shelves of retailers. There are armies of concerned citizens, squarely focused on stopping the sale of plastic weapons that in their minds, achieve no other purpose other than incite violence and mayhem.

Personally, I’m not in favor of violent toys like video games that base point totals on body counts. I don’t like movies that glorify violent behavior. Directors claim art reflects life, but I think the door swings both ways. Why expose kids to that kind of junk?

Besides, I’m not much of a risk taker anyway. So I’m going to play it safe and refrain from letting my kids see violent stuff. I am trying to raise responsible, law-abiding tax payers after all. I figure it’s best to expose them to educational toys and TV programs that might plant seeds of positive ambition, instead of grizzly influences that could sway them to the dark side.

However, let me go on the record to say that banning Nerf guns and water pistols is just plain crazy. I mean, come on! They’re harmless, right?

I was recently shopping with my kids in one of those stores were everything costs a dollar. Normally when we shop at normal-priced stores, I preface the trip with the following speech:

“We are going to this store to buy X. It is the only item we will purchase. We are not here to buy new toys, games or candy, so do not ask me to do so. What are we going to buy?”

“X,” they grudgingly respond in unison.

“Yes! Good job,” I praise. “We are here to only buy X,” I repeat.

Fast forward two minutes: We’re in the store, the kids are begging me to buy this or that and I’m ready to blow my stack. I don’t have money to waste on over-priced crap that’s going to get lost in my kids’ over-stuffed toy boxes, so the answer is, “No, no, NO!”

ANYHOW…so we go to the dollar store and the kids immediately start in, asking me to buy them toys. My instinct is to say no, but then I stop, realize I’m in the dollar store, and heroically proclaim:

“Yes! You can pick out ANY one thing from this store and I WILL buy it for you.”

The kids go nuts. They exclaim, “Thank you, mom! You’re the best!” and bolt for the toy aisle.

A minute later my two-year-old toddles up to me with his selection. It’s a bright red plastic gun that shoots foam darts. I inspect it for possible choking hazards - or throat plugs as I like to call them - and deem it an acceptable choice. He thanks me and smiles his biggest smile. This is his first toy gun.

So I bought him a gun. Big deal. It’s bright red - could never be mistaken for a real one - and shoots large foam “bullets”. This is not a toy that’s going to turn my cherub-faced boy into a cold-blooded killer. It’s harmless.

We’re home for about five minutes when suddenly, I’m ambushed. My baby jumps out from behind a corner, gun drawn and shouts,

“Freeze, mama! I said FREEZE!!”

I instinctively freeze. Despite my compliance, he squeezes the trigger and shoots me anyway. I fake a dramatic death and collapse on the living room floor.

Laying there I wonder if I’ve made a mistake buying the gun. Am I fostering a future criminal? Am I grooming a young delinquent? Will I be on the 5 p.m. news someday saying I don’t know where it all went wrong – he was such a sweet child?

Nah, I don’t think I’m going to worry too badly about it. Just because he sometimes plays with an airplane doesn’t mean he’s going to grow up to be a pilot, right?

Besides…he did yell, “Freeze!” and not, “Stick em up!”