What turns me on

Shortly after my divorce, a well-intentioned family member suggested I try online dating.

I thought about it. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. After all, how else would I meet someone? Unless cute single guys are hanging out at the McDonald's Playland or in the library these days, my odds weren't looking too good.

Side note: Single men who hang out at Playlands and libraries are best avoided.

Anyhow, I thought about how my online profile would read:

Single, professional female in mid-30's seeks a nice guy who is financially secure (has to have a job), mature (Say it with me: "Video games are for kids,") and likes children (but not child-like). My turn ons are...are...

What turns me on today is pretty different than what used to get me all hot and bothered. As a working mother, my turn ons are more specific than just some guy with a cute tush. I made a list of what really turns me on. It read:

• Organized pantries. You know those pantries where everything's in tidy little containers and it's all perfectly labeled? That's hot.

• California closets. Oh, those compartmentalized closets! Everything has its own place. My purses could have their own cubbies instead of being looped over a sad-looking wire hanger.

• A real, honest-to-goodness laundry room. Ever see in those home-improvement magazines those bright and airy laundry rooms? Some have windows and everything! Thinking about doing the wash in an inviting (and dare I add first-floor) laundry room instead of a cold, damp spider web-filled basement gives me thrills like none other.

My list of turn ons might sound pathetic to some, but thinking about this list even now gets me all warm and tingly inside.

Instead of spending the money on an online dating service, I decided to invest in something that'd provide a little, you know...self gratification. A small, hand-held device that would instantly launch me into the throes of ecstasy. A battery-operated beauty that could satisfy like none other.

So I ran out and got a label maker.